A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your
things. I just won the lottery!"

Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"

The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by
noon!"

Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of Our Lady of Perpetual
Motion parochial school in an advanced state of agitation.

"Father!" she cried, "just WAIT until you hear this!"

The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, " Now just calm down and tell
me what has you so excited?"

"Well, Father" the nun began, "I was just walking down the hall to the
chapel and I heard some of the older boys wagering money!"

"A serious infraction, indeed!" said the priest.

"But that's not what has me so excited, father" replied the nun, " it was
WHAT they were wagering ON! They had wagered on a contest to see who
could urinate the highest on the wall!!"

"What an incredible wager!" exclaimed the priest,
"What did you do?"

"Well, I hit the CEILING, father."

"How much did you win?"


A motorcycle cop had just pulled over a red Porsche after it had run a stop sign.

"May I see your driver's license and registration please."

"What's the problem, officer?"

"You just ran that stop sign back there."

"Oh come on, pal, there wasn't a car within miles of me."

"Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look both ways,
and proceed with caution."

"You gotta be kidding me!"

"It's no joke, sir."

"Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty
miles, and proceeded with caution."

"That's beside the point, sir. You are supposed to come to a complete stop,
and you didn't. Now if I may see your license and..."

"You've got a lot of time on your hands, pal. What's the matter, all the
doughnut shops closed?"

"Sir, I'll overlook that last comment. Let me see your license and registration
immediately."

"I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down and coming to
a complete stop."

The policeman had enough. "Sir, I can do better than that." He opened the car
door, dragged the rude motorist out, and proceeded to methodically beat him over
the head with his nightstick.

"Now sir, would you like for me to slow down or come to a complete stop?"


The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was
taking a limousine to the airport.

Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he
could drive for awhile. Well, the chauffeur didn't
have much of a choice, so the chauffeur climbs in the back
of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel.

The Pope proceeds to hop on 95 and starts accelerating to see what
the limo could do. Well he gets to about 90 mph and, WHAM !, there are
the blue lights of our friendly State Patrol in his mirror.

He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window. Well the
trooper, seeing who it was, says "just a moment please I need
to call in."

The trooper radio's in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief
"I've got a REALLY important person pulled over and I need
to know what to do."

The chief replys "Who is it, not Ted again ?" The trooper says, "
No, even more important." The chief replys, "It's the Governor, is it
?",
the trooper replys "No, even more important." "It's isn't
the President is it ?" "No, more important", replys the trooper.

"Well WHO is it ?!", screams the chief.

"I don't know " says the trooper. "But he's got the Pope as a
chauffeur."


There were two guys in the Army. One day one of the guys gets a letter from his mother and after reading it becomes very sad.
His friend (the other guy) asked him what was wrong. The first guy responded by handing him the letter. So the second guy
reads that his friends mother had written that the first guy's girlfriend was in bed with arthritus. "Well" The friend said to the first
guy... "That's not so bad..." The first guy turns to him and says "Yea, That's what you think. I know those Ritous boys and Art
is the worst one!"

One day a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 ft below sea level. He
noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he had on no scuba gear
whatsoever.

The diver went below another 20 ft but the guy joined him a few minutes
later. The diver went below 25 ft, but minutes later, the same guy joined
him.

This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalk-and-board set,
and wrote, "How the hell are you able to stay under this deep without
equipment?"

The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and
wrote,

"I'M DROWNING, YOU MORON!!!"

A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started
feeling ill.
"Mommy" she said "Can we leave now?"
"No" her mother replied.
"Well, I think I have to throw up!"
"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and
throw up behind a bush."
In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat.
"Did you throw up?" her mother asked.
"Yes" the little girl replied.
"Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and
return so quickly?"
"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy" the little girl replied,
"They have a box next to the front door that says 'for the sick'."


A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get
some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss
off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. "OK, follow me." he said and flew out of the cave with
hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest . Finally he slowed down
and all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood. "Do you see that large oak tree over there?"
he asked. "YES, YES, YES!!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good!" said the first bat, "Because I didn't!"


At a cocktail party, a man gets totally plastered, goes up to the host
and says "Excuse me, but do lemons have feathers?", in a slurred voice.

"I beg your pardon?" says the host. The drunk asks again: "Do lemons have
feathers?", as he struggles to hold his balance.

A rather bemused host says "No I don't think so".
The drunk looks sheepish then says: "Oopsie".
"What?", asks the host.

And the drunk: "I think I've just squeezed your canary into my drink".


A scientist was interested in studying how far bullfrogs can jump. He
brought a bullfrog into his laboratory, set it down, and commanded,
"Jump, frog, jump!"

The frog jumped across the room.

The scientist measured the distance, then noted in his journal, "Frog
with four legs - jumped eight feet."

Then he cut the frog's front legs off. Again he ordered, "Jump, frog,
jump!"

The frog struggled a moment, then jumped a few feet.
After measuring the distance, the scientist noted in his journal, "Frog
with two legs - jumped three feet."

Next, the scientist cut off the frog's back legs. Once more, he shouted,
"Jump, frog, jump!"

The frog just lay there.

"Jump, frog, jump!" the scientist repeated.
Nothing.

The scientist noted in his journal, "Frog with no legs - lost its
hearing."


While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, the man was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks the man had
on his shoulders. "What's in the bags?", asked the guard. "Sand," said the cyclist. "Get them off - we'll take a look," said the
guard.

The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on
his shoulders and continued across the border.

Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but
sand. This went on every week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear.

A few days later, the guard happened to meet the cyclist downtown. "Say friend, you sure had us crazy", said the guard. "We
knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won't say a word - but what is it you were smuggling?"

The man replys "Bicycles!"


A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor. So, he produced an experiment
that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.

"Now class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed
about, happy as a worm in water could be.

The second worm he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.

"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.

Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!!!!!!"


A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following
exchange takes place....

The man says, "What's the problem officer?"

Officer: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going 80.
[Man gives his wife a dirty look.]

Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken taillight? I didn't know about a broken taillight!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that taillight for weeks.
[Man gives his wife another dirty look.]

Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man turns to his wife and yells: "Shut your damn mouth!"

Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you
this way all the time?"

Wife says: "No, only when he's drunk."

An elderly couple were experiencing declining memories, so they decided
to take a power memory class, where they teach you to remember things by
association.

Later, the man was talking to a neighbour about how much the class helped
him.
"Who was the instructor?" asked the neighbour.

"Oh, let's see," pondered the man. "Umm...what's that flower, you know,
that smells real nice, but it has those thorns...?"
"A rose?" offered the neighbour.

"Right," said the man. He turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey,
Rose, what's the name of the guy we took that memory class from?"


Becky was on her deathbed, with her husband Jake at her side. He held her cold hand
and tears silently streamed down his face. Her pale lips moved. "Jake," she said.
"Hush," he quickly interrupted, "don't talk."

But she insisted. "Jake," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I must confess."
"There is nothing to confess," said the weeping Jake. "It's all right. Everything's all
right."
"No, no. I must die in peace. I must confess, Jake, that I have been unfaithful to you."

Jake stroked her hand. "Now Becky, don't be concerned. I know all about it," he
sobbed. "Why else would I poison you?"


A businessman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan
officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and
needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such

a loan. So the businessman hands over the keys to a Rolls-Royce parked
on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out and the
bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and
parks it there. Two weeks later, the businessman returns, repays the
$5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and
this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little
puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are
a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow
$5,000?"

The businessman replied. "Where else in New York can I park my car for
two weeks for 15 bucks?"


There once was a young sailor who couldn't resist a bet. He would make a bet on anything and he would always win. His
shipmates were continually losing their money to him, making them very irritated.

The Captain decided to have the boy transferred to another ship. The next day the boy was transferred, and less than 15
minutes after boarding the ship, the boy addressed his new Captain and bet him 50 dollars he had hemorrhoids.

The new Captain had just gotten a physical and knew he had no hemorrhoids, so he agreed to the bet. The boy told his new
Captain to drop his drawers and bend over. The Captain did so, and when he bent over, the boy shoved a broomstick up the
Captain's ass.

The sailor found no hemorrhoids and paid the Captain 50 bucks. The new Captain thought this was great and wanted to call
the boy's old Captain and tell him.

When he got the old Captain on the phone he told him he had just taken 50 dollars from the boy.
 

The old Captain replied, "How?"

"Well," explained the Captain, "he bet me I had hemorrhoids. I knew I didn't so I bet him. He told me to drop my drawers and
bend over. When I did, he shoved a broomstick up my ass. Hey, no hemorrhoids. Fifty bucks I won."

The old Captain shouted, "That son-of-a-bitch! Before he left here he bet me 500 dollars that within hour he would have a
broomstick shoved up your ass!"

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The young rooster walks over to the old
rooster and says "Ok, old fellow, time to retire."

The old rooster says "You can't handle all these chickens....look at what it did to me!" The young rooster replies, "Now, don't
give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step aside and the young to take over, so take a hike."

The old rooster says, "Aw, c'mon.....just let me have the two old hens over in the corner. I won't bother you." The young
rooster says, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!"

So, the old rooster says to the young rooster, "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race with you around the farmhouse.
Whoever wins the race gets domain of the chicken coop." The young rooster says, "You know I'm going to beat you, old man,
so just to be fair, I'm even going to give you a head start."

They line up in back of the farm house, get a chicken to cluck "Go!" and the old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds
later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farm house and the young rooster is only about 5 inches
behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what's going on, grabs his shotgun and BOOM! he blows the young rooster to
bits. He sadly shakes his head and says "Dammit, third gay rooster I bought this week.

She walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a Coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs and gets some
more coins. She returns and starts feeding the machine, and out come more Cokes. Another person walks up behind her,
watches her antics for a few minutes, and asks if someone else could have a go. The blonde spins around and shouts, "Can't
you see I'm winning!?"


Two blondes are walking through the woods and come to some tracks. "These look like deer tracks," says one. "No, I think
they're moose tracks," says the other. They continue to argue, and are still arguing when the train hits them.

Two blondes are in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of one's Mercedes with a coat hanger. The one with the hanger
stops for a second to catch her breath, and her friend says anxiously, "Hurry! It's starting to rain and the top's down!"

Hear about the blonde with the AM radio? It took her a month to realize that she could play it at night.

This guy goes into the drug store and asks the pharmacist where the tampons are. The pharmacist directs him to aisle 4.
The man comes back in a few minutes with some toilet paper and some cotton balls. The pharmacist asks the man, "Excuse
me, it's none of my business, but you asked where the tampons were, and now you come to me with toilet paper and cotton
balls. Why?" The man responds: "Well, last night I sent the old lady to the store for a carton of cigarettes, and she brought me a
tin of tobacco and some papers. Tonight, she can roll her own!"
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